Thursday, March 24, 2011

Theory of human history

Man's birthright is... warm weather. And woman's birthright is... a man bringing her a margarita on the beach.

If we believe that life emerged from some swampy goo billions of years ago, on some long lost stretch of sand between the warm salt seas and the unknown land masses of Pangaea... AND... if we further admit that such primordial states are locked deep in our DNA, or collective subconscious... THEN we must admit that it is man's natural state to be lying on a warm beach. Woman's state too, even more so... and probably the first creatures that did crawl up on that beach, the male of that species carried a bag full of towels, bottles of water, suntan lotion.

How it ever came to be that man migrated from warmer climes to colder ones, is beyond me. I suspect that those prehistoric wanderers were more likely trouble makers in paradise. Maybe they spilled the pitcher of margaritas one too many times. Maybe they kicked sand on someones suntan-lotioned back. Maybe they left soda cans on the beach. Who knows... but I suspect they were asked to leave, and to take all of their agitated non-mellowness somewhere else. So they all went to Europe and started universities, losing themselves in reading and writing, so they wouldn't have to think about how uncool they had been.

Of course, it was the men who screwed this all up. I'm sure the women wanted to stay on the beach, with headphones in their ears, occasionally rolling over to "get their back". It just had to be the men who grew impatient with paradise. The Bible blames Eve, but I'm sure it was Adam... or maybe in my version of history his name was Tommy. So Tommy screwed it all up, and he said to (let's say) Debbie... "Let's get out of here, I'm bored, plus they don't like me here". I'm sure she was not amused, but somehow she followed him out of paradise. He must have promised her something... like he would take care of her and let her mother visit whenever she wanted. I can just imagine them walking hundreds of miles on foot, while she complains bitterly about how he  screwed up her life, about how she was happy on the beach, about how she should have married that guy named Carlos.

This version of history actually makes sense, as it provides a theory for behaviors we see today. I should be an anthropologist.

Of course, the joke is on those who stayed in tropical paradise, as they now third world dopes, with unstable governments and low incomes. Meanwhile, the descendants of the exiled Europeans have inherited tenacious work ethics, fine jobs, and tons of cool shit to buy.

But even given all the strange twists and turns of history, we can all be transported back to a billion years ago each time some winter air blows up our pant leg, and reminds us that our great-great..ultra-great grandfathers fucked up back on that ancient beach. But come spring, we are relieved of that guilt by the warm air.

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